In my senior year of high school one of my favorite subjects was Religion. It was because of my teacher. She used to be a nun. She left the service (if that’s the right term) and somehow ended up in our (strict!) then all-girls Catholic school.
She was passionate, firm but kind, and funny. Oh, was she funny. She was almost irreverent.
Almost.
Because truth is, that word and concept most likely did not exist in my vocabulary at that age. In that context.
Sure, my batchmates and I were (mostly silently) outraged when we were told we couldn’t and shouldn’t read Harry Potter. We sometimes rolled our eyes at the rigid dress code and no-makeup rule (who am I kidding, I had NO style and those rules most definitely simplified my life as a teenager). But the thing is, we were kids, puberty age sure, but our angst and struggle didn’t (couldn’t) touch God or anything related to His blessed sacraments, traditions or ceremonies. Not in a country that is at least 88% Christian. Good Lord, no way. Inconceivable!
So, my religion teacher was refreshing. It’s probably partly because I’ve never before met an ex-nun. I didn’t know there was such a thing! It was like finding out that unicorns exist. And that they are just regular horses who decided to run through a rainbow instead of only watching it from afar.
I remember her teaching the subject by encouraging us to think and question and reflect. Divorce, even then, was a hot topic. She talked about why God (Catholic church) says divorce is bad but then she opened it up for debate in class. She allowed us to ask questions, out loud.
What about those women abused or abandoned by their spouses we hear on the news? Why is annulment, the only legal way to separate and start over, very inaccessible and seems made only for the very rich?
She didn’t answer most of these questions. She mostly stood there and listened. She didn’t tell us we were wrong to wonder or to ask these questions.
It was one of the very first times I felt like an adult. Someone asking me what I think instead of telling me what to think. It cracked my brain. Someone allowing for the grays instead of insisting it’s all black and white.
When our final written exams came, the last question was something along the lines of: “Should divorce be allowed in the Philippines, (or maybe, will God accept divorce)? Explain why or why not.”
I felt pretty confident that I (and my teacher) could rise to the challenge. Unpopular opinion be damned, I’m a graduating senior! I will speak my mind freely and walk with my head held high, speaking my truth. Or something.
I was sure, as only a teenager can be, that I made a very compelling argument.
I’m not really sure why (or how) even back then that I didn’t see legalizing divorce as “contributing to the breakdown of social cohesion and the erosion of moral values” as the religious authorities liked to (still) say. You can use that argument for just about anything — radio, TV, the internet! These statements felt hypocritical and out of touch. In my mind all you had to do was listen to the horror stories of mostly poor women, that I, even at my age, have already heard of.
So, I submit my paper. Confident in what I deemed was justice, even if it was an unconventional one. (Isn’t justice often unconventional though?)
When I got my paper back, imagine the depths of my teenage grudge when I see a giant red X on the last page. I felt betrayed! The horse that I imagined running through the rainbow turned right back before it was awarded that super awesome unicorn horn with magical healing powers. Lame!
We only had a few weeks left before graduation. It was a sentimental time. Still, it became really hard for me to look my teacher in the eye. Okay, my new emo side bangs might have contributed to that.
I was 15 then.
Almost 20 years later, the same question is being asked today. In government. Where it actually matters.
My position and perspective have not changed. Only now, I actually have some life experiences to go with it. So here I write. The teenage me, bangs and all, cautiously watching from the corner.
I am divorced.
Ha. This would be a really good time for me to crack a joke (instead of the usual, being the butt of a joke/whisper) but I’ll resist this temptation. Wink. Not only is my soul (I am told) already in much trouble, it’s also just too (Tita-) tired of the fear-mongering narrative we have in the Philippines.
Being the only country in the world (aside from the Vatican but they don’t count and really, what does that tell us?) to not have divorce is not a badge of honor. Just like not having access to birth control or reproductive health (for the longest time!) wasn’t really “respect for life.” How could it be? Most of the people disproportionately affected by these policies are lower income / poor families!
I quote a bishop, “By promoting divorce, we are contributing to the breakdown of social cohesion and the erosion of moral values…”
Promoting!
I understand that to a lot of people legalizing might sound like promoting, but is it?
I got divorced yes, but do I wish it on anyone? No! That’s silly! I hope you never have to even think about it!
Does the presence of a hospital or an ICU imply that we want (encourage even!) people to get sick and die? Of course not!
(On the contrary, lots of people who hear statistics about divorce think twice about getting married! Since the church really wants people to take marriage seriously….)
Another bishop says:
“I urge members of Congress to reconsider the proposed divorce bill
and instead focus on promoting policies and programmes that support marriage, strengthen families, and protect the well-being of all members of society”
That last portion, 100 % Yes! Awesome! Do that, please!
But how and why is that mutually exclusive with legalizing divorce? Why is one side black and the other side white?
Why can’t they coexist exactly?
Anyone who has been truly sick will tell you they’d rather be healthy than sick.
I may be oversimplifying but that’s what the current narrative feels like. If someone is really sick and there’s no hospital to help them, do they magically get better?
Is the thought here because they can’t divorce and an annulment is pretty much impossible, that they will work harder for their relationship? Is that true? That’s a statistic I’d love to hear.
I won’t pretend to know the answers. I have a feeling the answers will be different for everyone anyway.
That should be okay, right?
As for me, I only have my experience and the experiences of those who can talk about theirs to pull from.
But with all due respect, it sure is difficult for me to accept when priests claim, rather confidently, that they have the answers and that they should be the foremost authority on marriage. Marriage!
Truth is, I don’t know what divorce would do to the Philippines. But I’ve read and heard plenty of marital horror stories (when I was 15 to today) that need to be fully heard. They cry out for a resolution. Justice. A lot of these stories are mostly from women who cannot afford the long, complicated and very expensive (mental, emotional, financial) road to annulment.
I hope we still believe that the majority of couples, if or when they decide to get married, do it with the highest hopes and aspirations of building a good life together.
I hope we still believe that majority of human beings want a happy, healthy, and harmonious life for themselves and their loved ones.
I hope we still believe that repair and reconciliation are and will always be some of the most heroic of human gestures. And that it may look different for everyone.
I don’t think legalizing divorce is mutually exclusive to any of that. At all.
To copy how these discussions often end, I will now quote the good book (Bible) and I will do so because I truly do find Christianity’s ultimate leader (Jesus Christ that is) to be one of those truly rare and insightful teachers and leaders.
(I remember reading this part in the book of Luke and even now, I am amazed at how it seems to perfectly encapsulate humanity’s enduring pursuit of religion / spirituality.)
“The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to set the oppressed free,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”
I hope we can at least all agree that if there is indeed a Lord, we would all do better with his/her favor.
I sure would like that for myself.
Favor:
–approval, support, or liking for someone or something.
–give unfairly preferential treatment to.
Middle English (in the noun sense ‘liking, preference’): via Old French from Latin favor, from favere ‘show kindness to’ (related to fovere ‘cherish’).
Peace be with you!
