I Am Not Exempt

“I’m not exempt.”

I heard this from a Buddhist teacher.

It’s his way of looking at suffering and misfortune and misery.

I’ve talked about my love for the book of Ecclesiastes. I think this sentence nails down a why.

I’ve talked about the book of Job and how that book always baffled me. I think this sentence answers some of my questions.

If you grew up in some kind of religious tradition — a lot of the teaching (direct or indirect) is this:

“Do good and good things will come to you. If you do bad, bad things will come to you.”

Action and reaction. Ebb and flow. Concepts of rewards and punishments — our society is pretty much founded on this. This makes sense to us.

Most importantly, our justice system — individual and collective — seems to be founded on this.

Western or Eastern we know the word karma.

In the Christian bible, there’s a story where Jesus and his disciples were walking and saw a blind man. The disciples’ question Jesus: is he blind because he sinned or because his parents sinned?

In some religious traditions where reincarnation is involved — what you do in the previous life rolls over to your next life, like an accounting ledger.

This simple good = good, bad = bad logic seems universal and it’s been here for centuries, including that sensible but often subconscious conclusion that comes with it:

“If bad things come, then you *must* have done something bad to deserve it.”

The thing is… just like Job, anyone who’s lived — humans, animals, bugs or plants — knows that in our life, this is just not the case.

I swatted a fruit fly in my kitchen simply because it existed.

We call a martyr or saint those names because we believe their suffering is undeserved.

Sometimes, “bad things” come whether you did something or nothing.
Sometimes, “bad things” come whether you’re a “good or bad” person.
Sometimes, “bad things” come and we have no idea where, who, when, what and most importantly, why, they come.

These “sometimes” are as universal as the belief that good = good, bad = bad.

These are some of the most basic, timeless, life questions, right?

Why is there suffering?
Who is guilty?
How can there be a “good God” when there is this much suffering?
Did I somehow cause suffering — whether it’s my suffering or others’ suffering?

Sometimes, there are easy answers to these questions.

I binged on chocolate, did shots of tequila, ate a box of pizza, and forgot to drink water — all night.
Now my stomach and head hurt and I feel like crap.
When? Where? Who? What? Why?

Yet, Sometimes the answers are not just hard to find but seemingly nonexistent.

I worked out, ate lots of fruits & veggies, drank plenty of water and I still have a bad headache.
I did my best and shit, it still wasn’t enough.
I studied so hard and I still failed that exam.
That kid with the same birthday as me died in a war zone.
Some of the best people I know got very sick.
When? Where? Who? What? Why?

Maybe at the end of all days, we’ll get an answer to all our questions.
Maybe we’ll never know.
Maybe someday it won’t matter.

Shrug. Time and Life will tell.

The thing is, with only the “good & bad” mindset, when that “sometimes” happens these thoughts often follow:

Why is this happening to me?
Am I being punished?
What did I do to deserve this?
I am not a bad person! Am I?

It’s SO easy to put ourselves on a stand, spinning, every second of every day — playing the part of defendant, jury and judge.

Trying to stand firm on our innocence while we dissect and inspect and pull ourselves apart trying to figure out who’s guilty.

I don’t think it’s wrong or bad to think this way. It’s kinda valid, right? And maybe even necessary? We want some justification— especially with how we built this society we now live in.

But then this space, I’ve learned for myself, is an incredibly difficult place to stay in and worse, get stuck in.

Visit it if you will, pay your respects if you must, and then get up. Leave.

If you can, without looking back.

The thing is…

I hate and am sorry to say it, think it, accept it… but it’s something that looks me in the eye every day.

Suffering is universal.
Whether I/we have an answer on why it exists depends on a lot of factors.
Who’s guilty and responsible also depends on a lot of factors.
But that it exists?
That’s an unquestionable, universal truth.
Suffering is as natural to life
as breathing is to life.

“I am not exempt.”

The teacher in Ecclesiastes also talked about this, “The sun shines on both the good and the bad, the righteous and the unrighteous!”

Who doesn’t understand that frustration? Despair? Sorrow?

And yet I take a deep breath and hold another (but paradoxically similar) perspective close.

“I am not exempt.”

It doesn’t ignore or question the “good / bad” mindset nor remove responsibility or ownership…

and yet in some ways, it rises above and goes beyond.

“I am not exempt.”

I am not exempt from experiencing joy and pleasure and beauty.
I am not exempt from experiencing suffering and pain and misery.
I am not exempt from life.

It’s helping me keep things in perspective.
It’s helping me quiet the defendant, jury and judge always going on trial in my head.
It’s helping me rise above the fear, anxiety, anger that can creep up from feeling like I am being punished for God knows what — something I didn’t do or a standard I didn’t live up to.

It’s helping me appreciate that maybe, this is the gift of life — to carry the joy with the sorrows, the pain with the pleasure, the beauty and the misery.

It’s helping me stand taller — with courage rather than fear, with confidence rather than misgivings, empowered to be and become, to learn and learn and transform… instead of feeling defeated, victimized and condemned.

It creates in me, even for a split second, a sometimes painful but overflowing well of gratitude and grace and equanimity — if I can be here for the joy, I guess I can be here for the sorrow.

This is life, as usual. Maybe this is our greatest task — the heroic, herculean task — to be here for ALL of it.

“I am not exempt.”

Such a hard, difficult tea to swallow.
It doesn’t answer any or all of the questions.
It doesn’t really solve much or if anything at all.
It doesn’t give any solutions.

But when “sometimes” happen and you question everything and anything, and you’re stuck and spinning… maybe it can be a healthier and kinder place to begin again and move forward from?

(P.S. If you’re thinking, easy for you to write! LOL You are so right! Well, ok, it’s hard to write. BUT It’s def easier to write than do!)

May time, Life, the force work ever in our favor ✨✨✨