Do I believe in prayer? The truth is a part of me does and a part of me doesn’t.
I live far away from most of my family & friends. When I watch tv, hear a song, see something on the street….
when I’m doing something or nothing a memory comes
uninvited
but not unwelcomed.
It comes like a POOF! of cloud
that floats right above my head,
my being
and suddenly I remember
when I was a kid,
when I was in school,
when we ate,
when we laughed,
when it was happy,
when it was sad,
when we changed the curtains and the sheets
it’s a split second
it hangs for a minute or so
sometimes a few days
(really, it doesn’t seem constrained by time)
In that moment, I wonder
What am I to do with this…presence
Feeling helpless, guilty, happy, sad
All at once
Is this a reminder to check in?
Do something?
Sometimes I do.
Most often, I don’t.
I’d like to reach out and say:
Thoughts of you arrived.
A puffy cloud came and brought you in.
You’re a presence around me right now.
How strange.
And then what?
What else is there to say?
Life’s life. I am good. All is well. (Here)
Time, space, distance — still going.
Thank you, how about you?
But words,
as useful as they are
often feels truly useless
in these moments.
I am learning that
To ease my
mind
spirit
To honor the
presence
absence
It helps me to acknowledge
Hello cloud, fancy seeing you, I’d say
As I look up.
I’ve stopped asking to what I owe the pleasure of its visit.
Instead I reach out my hand and give it a firm handshake.
I call this
saying a prayer.
More or less.
If I’m feeling cute I’ll add more words and an energetic curtsy
If I’m feeling meh, the best I can do is a quick salute
I do think (the) God gets it.
Meanwhile,
my family and friends
I hope they received a good
jolt, energy, vibe —
I hope they received (somehow)
a piece of goodness
that still makes the world go round (somehow)
a piece of that… secret
that’s keeping the stars apart
I hope they know
I am carrying their heart in my heart
as best as I know how at the moment.
Tall order.
Dear Lord,
I know.
I do.
I’ve been to Israel / Palestine twice. 2019 and 2022. This cloud has always visited me here and there. But lately, no surprise, it’s parked itself in my headspace.
Words,
when it seems truly necessary,
often (to me) is nowhere to be found
like a bad case of stage fright.
So, I make do with what I know / can
This.
Prayers and clouds
Hopes and wishes
I’ve resorted to looking at pictures, ones I took while visiting there — both Israeli and Palestinian territories. Trying to connect with places and people — telepathically, energetically (somehow).
(Crazy, I know.)
Remembering for (with) them —
something good,
something kind,
something beautiful,
something true.
And good lord,
it’s everywhere there
in the land and all its people.
Do I believe in prayer?
I want to.
Truly.
I do.
